Birthday Gone Bad

I was on a TV show yesterday, talking about bad parenting and confession. The host read a confession from a parent about having lied to her two-year old about when exactly her birthday was. Because the parent hadn't planned anything, and needed to buy an extra week. The other guests on the show tittered. I thought: CLEVER.

My daughter turned four the other week. She asked for a birthday party. I gave her a birthday party. But let the record show: it was HARD. And if it had occurred to me to fudge the date to buy myself some extra planning time, I just might have done it.

It was hard because I am a terrible party-thrower. It was hard because I am the least-organized person on the face of the planet, and also some planets other than this one (Martians are known for their efficient use of dayplanners, and all those moms on Venus are devoted followers of Martha Stewart.) It was hard because I wanted it to be awesome, and I didn't know how to make it awesome, and I feared that even if I knew how to make it awesome, I would not be able to pull it off.

Here's the thing: I pulled it off. Not because I was able to pull awesome out of my ass, but because for four year olds? Sugar and presents and the company of friends are all they need for a good time. And all mommy needs? Is liquor. So:

1) I bought a cake. Actually, I sent my husband out to buy a cake. With the girl, who chose her cake with all the enthusiasm of a whiskey-fiend in an unsupervised distillery. ALL CAKES ARE GOOD.

2) I didn't do a craft. I don't know from crafts. And I didn't do a decorate-your-own-cupcake thing, because, seriously, like I can bake cupcakes. I bought apples, and caramel wrappers, and then I pilfered the leftover Halloween candy for M&Ms and jelly beans and hollered CANDY APPLES AHOY. The kids decorated the caramel apples and I drank wine and tried to not think about I was going to get stray bits of caramel out of the cat's fur.

3) I put chips in a bowl. Also, dip, although that I just left in its container, because, seriously. Why dirty up another bowl when it's already in a perfectly serviceable container?

4) LIQUOR.

Stir and serve. I totally half-assed it, and it was awesome.

You can applaud now.