Reality Bites: Say Hello To My Little Friend!
The names, places, and all identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent. Especially the Bad Mom.
Like I said above, this may or may not have been my daughter in this story. I will never publicly admit it because that stuff is admissible, isn't it?
So anyhow, last week the phone rang in the middle of the afternoon and a mom, who may or may not have been this mom right here, noticed that it was her child's elementary school. Specifically: the principal office's line because despite the fact that her JK daughter has been in school less than twelve weeks, this mom has already become familiar with the various numbers and staff thanks to her "precocious" kid.
And after she had a mild heart attack, because a call from the school during school hours can never just be social, she answered.
"Hello, Ms [not motherbumper], it's Mr. [principal]. How are you today?"
"Uhhhh… fine. I think."
"Oh don't worry Ms. [not motherbumper], G[not emma] is fine. But…"
Dudes, let me tell you when you hear a principal says "but…" in reference to your kid for the first time, you will crap your pants ever so slightly.
"… there's been an incident."
The first thing that ran through that particular mom's mind was "what does the other kid look like?", but before she could conjure up images of her sweet lamb spending her youth in and out of juvie, the principal continued.
"At snack time today your daughter brought something extra. She had a jar of children's vitamins and was attempting to give them out to the other kids."
He paused to let the mom digest the information. And I swear that this is exactly how she worded her reaction:
"So what you are trying to tell me, Mr. Principal, is: my junior kindergartener daughter is a DRUG DEALER."
And before she could ask how much the kid was charging per pill, the principal started laughing so hard it sounded like he might hurt himself. Of course after the laughter, he had to get serious and mention that even though the jar was child-proof and unopened, it turns out there is enough iron in the entire jar to bring down a gorilla. Which means it might hurt a kindergartener. So he requested that the bad mom start doing a bag check before school each day for contraband.
Thankfully Tony Montana Jr. had enough wherewithal to cover for Bad Mom. According to the principal, when asked if Bad Mom was aware that the vitamins had come to school with Tony Jr., any knowledge of the contraband was denied. Good thing kiddo, Tony would have done the same for his supplier. And I hope it stays that way.
God knows she doesn't want to tangle with the Flintstone's Cartel.
Wow I am on the look out for the Flintstone Cartel.
Great read.
haha, that’s too funny. Your daughter is resourceful, I’d watch your Xanax stash LIKE A HAWK! lol.
Don’t worry – my Mom had to check me every day to make sure I was wearing underpants – after several incidents when I wore no underpants…under a skirt. And I turned out okay. No criminal record to speak of.
Snicker.
This bad kid needs a visit from her bad aunty to straighten her out. Snort.
In other news, this is why I prefer not to give my kids vitamins at all.
Weak bones make for bad drug dealers.
Bad mothering for the win!
I could totoally see my daughter doing something like that!! This is one reason we have the vitamins in the cupboard over the stove. Besides the one over teh fridge, it is the most difficult one to access!.
I love this site. Great posts…they make me feel like maybe I’m not doing that bad a job :)
Personally I see a bright future for the *precocious* child. Get ‘em hooked young and you’ve got customers for life. Has she been watching Mad Men?
Gummy viatmins…the gateway drug of the next generation.
That is hilarious. I put the vitamins on a high shelf in my home. They look too much like candy, and my older one likes to share!
ciao,
rpm
Too funny! At least she’s an Entrepreneur!
This totally made my day! Hilarious. Kid is very giving. I remember stealing the chewables as a kid and hording them all to myself.
If she ups the ante to the Centrum Jr’s, you’re fucked. That’s like switching from outdoor to BC Primo.
My stomach dropped right when you answered YOUR phone, cause I’ve had a LOT of those calls since preschool and we’re in 5th grade now! Oh, just when you think they couldn’t POSSIBLY think up any more shenanigans, the phone will ring again! I know, one day I’ll look back and laugh, so as a keepsake, I’ve started just letting the machine get the initial principal call while I sit directly in front of it waiting/betting to see if they’ve got the balls to say EXACTLY what the infraction was, depending on the severity of said infraction. It also saves me the embarrassment of my initial shock and verbal “WTF was he thinking???” response. Like a new age baby scrap book, I’m going to have an entire collection of digitally recorded principal calls to play for his first girlfriend…that will DEF trump any nudie pics I may have saved up!
The first gummy vitamin is free. That’s how they hook you.
Kid’s vitamins are like crack. Every morning without fail the first thing my son asks for is his vitamin. God help us all if I forget…or run out. Eeek! Now that I think about it I better stock up tomorrow.
a dietitian in training. Or pharmacist?