There's a kind of poetic beauty to the news that – you might want to sit down for this – Robert Pattinson, the sparkliest vampire in the history of the world is going to be playing the role of – really, you're going to want to sit down for this – Kurt Cobain, the least sparkliest anything in the history of everything.
(I'll give you a moment.)
(You need another minute? I get that.)
Okay, so: Robert Pattinson is going to be playing Kurt Cobain in a biopic of the musician's life, and Scarlett Johannsen is going to be playing Courtney Love, which I suppose is less startling casting, but still. And I say that there's a kind of poetic beauty to this, because weren't we just saying, like, just the other day, that Robert Pattinson needed to be the official mascot of the Bad Moms Club because he had once appeared in a movie entitled 'The Bad Mothers' Handbook' and we took that as incontrovertible evidence of his attachment to bad mothers and now, what do you know? He's going to appear in a film about the life and times of a man who married a woman who is, arguably, the very definition of Bad Motherhood.
I know, right? It's almost SPOOKY.
Look, I know that the temptation is to recoil in horror – sparkly vampire playing grunge rock god? – but consider the alternative: the actor who was considered before Robert Pattinson was Zac Efron.
I rest my case.