Bad Moms, Bad Moms, Whatcha Gonna Do? Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?

Last week I was invited down to Detroit by GM Canada to meet with some people from OnStar because they’re nice like that. Actually, WE (meaning Catherine and I) were invited but someone went and got sick and had to bow out last minute, leaving me to drive to Detroit all by my lonesome (cue violins.) I had a whole whack of lonely tweets to send while on route but safe driving kept those to a minimum (seriously, I need hands-free Twitter for when I’m driving). Though truth be told having the freedom to crank the tunes l-o-u-d was kind of nice. Actually Catherine would never object to me cranking the tunes, I just don’t think she would appreciate listening to my Carpenter’s Greatest Hits CD a few dozen times in a row because she’s funny like that. Anyway, I got over the lonely part pretty fast when the hotel switched me to a king size and I realized I had total control over the TV remote (Catherine hogs).

Anyway, while I was in Detroit I stole a car which totally explains the title of this post. And for those who didn’t do a double take when reading that last statement, shame on you for thinking I’d probably already done that by now. As I was saying, the title referred to breaking the law and the ‘They’ referred to OnStar because in addition to perpetrating my very first grand theft auto, I also learned that OnStar can stall car thefts in progress — for real. As in they can really stall the vehicle, or more precisely: OnStar can disable the accelerator via some kind of pixie magic once they’ve confirmed the car has been stolen. For the record, losing the gas when driving down a city street is freaky weird. The brakes still worked, steering was unlocked and everything looked fine but putting the pedal to the metal was completely useless. Trust me, it was the worst car theft ever.

Failed attempts to live up to being “bad” aside I also learned that stopping stolen cars and giving directions isn’t the only thing that OnStar can do; OnStar can make you cry. I sat in a really nifty boardroom exhibiting my best behaviour ev-er while hanging out with these fine folks but when the brought out the actual recordings of people using OnStar I lost it and burst into tears like some kind of demented blubbering fool who cries while watching holiday diaper commercials (which I guess would be me). When I listened to a recording of a little girl who saved her mom and sister’s lives by unstrapping her car seat and pressing the OnStar button while her mother was driving in diabetic shock I searched my purse for tissue. When the operator tells her to strap herself back in I totally knew I was not getting out of this room without red eyes and a nose to match and that really isn’t not a good look for me. Oh man, I’m totally tearing up thinking of that little girl’s voice while I’m writing this. Don’t even get me started on the tape between OnStar and the man who accidently shot himself in the middle of nowhere while hunting. When they patched his wife in to talk to him? GAH, my nose started to run and it wasn’t pretty. At that point I needed a hug but didn’t want to make anyone in the room any more uncomfortable than I already had with my inconsolable sobs. (They are never inviting me back ever again.)

For some reason this was pretty much the only picture I took on the trip. WEIRD.

Oh and for those who were wondering, OnStar is built in the Bat Cave and I actually met some of Bruce Wayne’s employees who showed me how they are teaching the computer programs how to recognize all the different accents and pronunciations in a multitude of languages so that one day the computers can rise up and take over rendering humanity obsolete. Obviously OnStar doesn’t watch many movies or they would know that by teaching the computers our language just puts us one step closer to the creation of Cyberdyne. Seriously, was I the only one paying attention during Terminator? For the record, the OnStar computers are really improving in terms of voice recognition — I’ve noticed a huge difference in the 3 years since I first tried it which I guess just means the robot wars are coming sooner than we thought. Great.

Anyway. I’m not sure if all this was exactly what they wanted me to take away from my visit to OnStar but what I learned about the service was truly informative. They wanted to hear about the times I’ve used their product because truthfully, it hasn’t always been a success. They wanted to study my experiences and figure out what went wrong so they can make the changes. And it’s not just me they want to hear from, they want to hear that from you if you ever used the service and have it drive you into the middle of a corn field. OnStar wants to make these updates so they can teach the computer programs the correct directions so they can provide a better service while also speeding up our unavoidable future in the robot wars.

By the way for those who were wondering: I stole a Yukon XL, fully pimped to the extreme, in a pretty gold color that totally complimented my skin tone. My momma told me to always go big kid, always go big. Though it’s not like the 2010 Equinox that GM Canada loaned me to get down there wasn’t big or pimped out enough, it’s just why go big when you can go bigger? Word to my Mother.

These guys are totally never inviting me anywhere ever again.