Excerpted from a post at AOL’s Lemondrop.
I called it “Got MIL?” and in hindsight, posting it was not my most prudent move.
It was an essay that discussed, at some discomfiting length, my relationship with my mother-in-law. It was not an essay that was particularly flattering to my mother-in-law, because she was — is — not a particularly easy mother-in-law.
In my defense, I tried to hide the post. I believed in my right to write it, but I also knew that my in-laws (my brothers-in-law and sister-in-law; my MIL does not partake of this thing that we call the Internet, and so I did not worry that she would see it) would not like to read it. My husband, I wasn’t sure about; he understands my frustrations concerning his mother, but it’s a subject that we try to avoid. I figured that he wouldn’t begrudge me the opportunity to vent, but that he would prefer that I not broadcast my complaints from my virtual front porch.
So I hid it, or tried to.
Continue reading this post at AOL’s Lemondrop…
About Her Bad Mother
I read your post. And I think you should stop apologizing. That was how you felt. How you were treated. It wasn’t malicious lies. Believe me, I feel for you. In-laws can be…challenging.
Another point of view from a mother-in-law. I’ve done a lot of work with the elderly and something I have consistently seen is the fact that mothers of sons who are good, kind, helpful, supportive of their daughters-in-law reap rich rewards down the road. Let’s face it: in our society, it is largely women who are the caretakers. I personally have seen only one son who cared for his elderly ailing mother; by far the majority of caretakers are daughters and daughters-in-law. Once I was visiting one such woman when her DIL came, bearing groceries and some meals she had prepared. It wasn’t the first time I had seen this. I said to the elderly woman, “You must have been a wonderful mother-in-law to have your daughter-in-law take such care of you!” The daughter-in-law interrupted, “You couldn’t ask for a better mother-in-law! When I was unsure of myself, she was reassuring. When I was exhausted, she took the kids so I could nap. When we all had the flu she came and cleaned and cooked for us. She was much better to me than my own mother!”
So, listen well, mothers of sons. Treat your DILs well. It is they who will control how often you see your grandchildren. It is they who will see to it you are well cared-for when you are elderly. Most sons, though they mean well, are just clueless when it comes to this stuff. If you don’t have any daughters, see well to your daughters-in-law.
I read your entire post and thought to myself “She IS me!” I too had a blog, for a while, and I too did some griping. Now I am unable to log in because of some glitch at blogspot and a family member I no longer trust has access to that blog and what I said. I did change names to protect the guilty, but if you know me or my in-laws you will KNOW I wrote it. If I could, I’d just go delete all the posts, but I can’t. ::sigh:: One part of your post that really speaks to me (and I will use it when my husband tells me not to broadcast how horrible his family has been) is this; “Yes, I had an obligation to protect my family by whatever means possible — change names, post anonymously, give them advance warning — but my obligations to my family do not extend to fully silencing myself, I don’t think. Because if we accept this as one of our duties, as women, to family — to keep quiet, to be silent on all matters concerning family — then we condemn ourselves to remaining behind the veil, our voices unheard, our stories untold, our world — or that portion of our world, large or small, that is the world of family — forever cut off from the public sphere. And that hurts us, I think.”
I will not be silenced again.
My mother in law is the worst. She totally spent her days and nights, thinking up things to say to
me to hurt my feelings. I was always kind and nice to her and made sure I did the right things when I was around her, and she just kept making me feel like I was strange or something. When she wanted my husband to come to come by their house and fix something, she would call me and say
Thank you for letting him come and help us”… I never stopped him. She made up lies and
called our children names when she was alone with me. She is horrid.
I absolutely love this blog! Not only am I proud of you for writing this and being proud of it but I can relate in a million ways. Right after I had my child, my MIL was driving me CRAZY! She was controlling, bossy, and just plan out annoying. I posted something similar online, except mine told all about our battles and why things happened that way. The only way she or her family was going to see it is if they were checking up on me, which was very common with them, still to this day I catch her saying sneaky things that she “Watches me”! I knew they would see it and I honestly didn’t care. I felt 4 million times better letting everyone know that I did not live a perfect life and love my mil like everyone thought. When the blog was discovered she was furious, and made a bigger deal and drew more attention to it that me posting it did. Although I am glad that I got my feelings out I know that I did hurt her by writing it, but I feel that is what needed to be done. Although today we try to “function” and get along, it will never be possible because its the small things that I know are purposely done to piss me off, really do get to me! I do wish that we could get along and have that bond we use to have before I had my child, but I know things change, and people change, and never again will we have a fun relationship. No, I do not blame our relationship failure on my child, or my blog, but rather Jealousy on both sides of the fence. Secretly I know that I have her son and no matter what he will ALWAYS be mine, and there is nothing she can do to change that, but I also know that I need to just “Get over it and ignore her” but things are a lot easier said than done! Now… I shall be expecting a phone call.. saying how I need to stop “Posting”
When I read this I was thinking how liberating it must feel to blog those emotions about a MIL that is awful….I have one too. She has tried to ruin everything good in most peoples lives she comes in contact with and I talk about her frequently because she is such a wicked witch. It is my opinion that although we want to protect our families and children from things…it is another to live in such denial when a person’s behavior is so bad and twisted. I for one would never consider apologizing for them finding it because living in denial is worse than speaking the truth. And I hope to teach my kids the same and not let them think her behavior is normal or acceptable. As women most of us can just forget about our spouse’s getting involved in this area and you will probably see that they see the same thing and hate it too that’s why they married us. I know my husband won’t stand up to his mother…but also won’t stand up to me if I say something to her. So after years of what I considered him not supporting me, I realized he really just wanted me to take over and control the situation aggressively. As soon as I did this I gained control back in our house and my relationship with my husband and my MIL had no control at all. I intercept her every move to manipulate my household and call her out on it because I finally found my voice. Or should I say my roar of a lioness protecting her lair. Anyway kudos for the Blog making it to AOL and thanks for the inspiration to let it all out…
This woman has no reason to apologize to anyone…period. What she should have done was ask her MIL if she had ever heard of the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, then its best to say nothing at all.” Gee, that was something my mother taught when I was a little girl and I am sure this woman knew just what she was doing. This MIL sounds like my husband’s mother but his mother goes even one step further. She would rather chew her own arm off than give her kids a compliment. She has wrapped such a tight web around her other children that they feel so guilty about not wanting to spend time with her. Her children actually fight over who she will be staying with and still they allow her to make them feel so bad. My husband and myself spend very little time with her is any at all as I have made it clear that life is too damn short to have such negative and toxic people in our life. My children have been blessed to have other wonderful grandparents and relatives that make them feel good about themselves. Isn’t that what grandparents are suppose to do?
Remember, life is too short…..
After reading the article I can honestly say …Glad its not just me . You might wanna grab some popcorn cause this is pretty long lol . My mother in-law did everything in her power to split her son and me up before we were engaged while we were engaged and after we were married. And honest to god I was way past nice to this women! Everything that didn’t go well in my husbands life she would turn it around on me. She would start going off about me to my husband, not realizing I could hear every word she was saying since I was right next to my husband while he was on the phone, And he not knowing how to stop it. This went on and on til my husband started to change and not for the best, he started to resent me because she had insisted that her side of the family not have anything to do with us his brothers included( Because he dified her and married me , Yes my MiL actually told my husband not to marry me and that she would not come to the wedding and she didn’t). My husband was very close to his family. the worst part of everything was I felt helpless. I could not understand a family treating there own that way , my family loved my husband from the start. But even if they had not they still would have excepted him. The worst part was though was that I was going thourgh my own trials of life and was becoming very depressed . I started to take her seemingly hatered for me very personally, which made the deppression worse . I would sit there and run things thourgh my head over and over trying to grasp what the hell this women couldn’t stand about me and how the hell had I offended her. Adventually she ended up in the hospital and was very sick so my husband asked if we could move back to his home town ,I wanting us to be happy agian (though I was being to wonder if we had ever been happy)said yes , things didn’t get better, though she did get better. She relied on me to drive her everywhere and run over and do things for her at a moment’s noticed all which I did, she would be nice to my face, however we’d get into weird conversations with other family members that said she still had the hate on for me just now it was behind my back, this went on for a long time and I stood by silently. She’d do things like call us up last minute and tell my husband that she had made supper for us (we live next door ) so to come over . Of course I too had already made supper for my husband and myself; he of course did not want to upset his mother so….we would go over there to have supper. Now I know what you’re thinking so what you had to go over there for supper once in a while no biggie…but it was not once in a while it started to become a everyday thing till I had enough and I had enough because it got back to me that she was complaining that we were over their everyday having supper …well enough was enough…then she’d throw a fit ….then my husband and I would be at it again…..it always was something….but I stood by slightly…just trying to make everyone happy and not making anyone happy. Now my husband should have stood up to his mother and that may have been the end to it, however this did not happen at the time. See my husband and his siblings had been brought up to never question their parents. I was not brought up that way, but couldn’t seem to find the old me that wouldn’t put up with that shit. Then I got pregnant and things went from bad to worse , instead of being happy for us she said “ are you sure” we said “yes” how do you know” we said “well we have been to the doctors to confirm it” she said “oh” no Conrad’s nothing and if ever a women could look disappointed she did. Things from then on got pretty bad , my pregnancy was terrible and I was on bed rest , my husband was behaving like an idiot and once or twice I considered leaving however I’m stubborn to a fault so a stayed. Then Baby Came and I thought that their attitudes would change but I was wrong so after 6yrs of putting up with shit, I left with my 6 week old. After 2 months of sorting things out over the phone I went home things were good at home actually they were great as my husband resembled the man I had married so long ago, he no longer listens to his mother ,he stands up for me and himself. And though his mother and I get along really well now, It took me standing up to her to really change her outlook, I still get the occasional comment passive aggressive comment however I try to Rise above these for the most part .I wish I stood up to her a lot sooner as she has realized that I will no longer put up with her nonsense, now the nonsense ended. So for all the DiL out there don’t be silent, it could end up killing your marriage, it nearly did mine. And know that you are not alone, for the MiL that think it’s alright to behave like this I’d like to know why do you think its ok. Don’t you want your son’s to be happy? Do you think your son will be better off without your DiL and his kids if he has any? Don’t you want to see your grandchildren? Have you thought about any of that, My father in-law did and gave my MiL hell for it cause he didn’t want to never see his grandchildren again , they barley get to the other grandchildren because of my MiL’s behaviour. She did the same to my SiL as she did to me , which is why my SiL would not move out here when my BiL wanted too.lol….I mean come on people do you not think a newlywed couple or couple with kids don’t have enough to deal with you really want to add more stress… Instead of criticizing, why don’t you help out, are you fault less, I think not, you may not like how your DiL runs the show, but it’s hers to run not yours. At least that’s how I feel about it.
P.S I would never appoligize unless i really had something to appoligizes for and I don’t so far. I don’t think this women owed her one