The Guide To Mother’s Day For Bad Dads And Everyone Else Everywhere

By on May 5, 2011

Hey, Mother’s Day is this weekend!

And while all the Good Moms will smile and say it’s totally OK if you forgot Mother’s Day, or if you’ve booked a golf trip all day, or if her Mother’s Day is being spent at your Mother’s house where she will be subjected to passive-aggressive jabs and jell-o salads, be aware this crowd of Bad Moms sure won’t let you off the hook that easily. (And if you’re lucky, your partner is a Bad Mom, because Bad Moms are way more fun.)  So save yourself the pain, and coordinate your Mother’s Day around our handy tips.  This will totally work for you in the long run.

1. Let Mom Sleep In. Take one for the team, brother. Get the baby monitor, take the kids, leash the dog, and get the hell out of the house if you can. Yes, we are aware it’s a lot of work, seeing as how we do it all the time. On Mother’s Day, Bad Moms want nothing more than to relive our glory days the only way we know how: pretend we’re 22 and single again with no reason whatsoever to get out of bed, certainly not because anyone’s banging at the door or demanding Cheerios at 6 in the morning.  Let us wake up on our own and drink our coffee in silence. It’s bliss.

2. Someone Else Can Cook.  And Clean. If your kids insist on making breakfast for Mom (after she gets out of bed, of course), SUPERVISE. Otherwise your daughter could end up putting 1/4 cup of salt instead of 1/4 teaspoon in to the french toast. And that’s a bad surprise.  Then, when the kids are done, don’t leave the mess for Mom to clean up. Do the dishes. And wipe the counters. Seriously, it’s easy.

Better idea: Make brunch reservations. And make them today.  Don’t wait til Sunday morning to call around frantically hoping you can squeeze in somewhere because trust me: You can’t.

3. She Doesn’t Really Want To Spend Her Mother’s Day With Your Mother. Or Hers, Even. Yes, I know your mother is going to raise holy hell if Mother’s Day isn’t all about her, or if you miss the faaaaaaaaaaaamily dinner, or if you all don’t show up to bow at the Shrine of Grandma, but here’s the thing. If you have young kids, your wife or partner is the one doing the heavy lifting right now. And all Mother’s Day at Grandma’s is going to get her is hours of wrangling the kids, making sure they don’t smash Grandma’s precious collection of tchotchkes, keeping them away from the overly large, usually drooly and generally unfriendly dog, and putting up with the passive aggressive jabs about her going back to work/her not going back to work/her weight/your weight/et cetera. Wow, what woman wouldn’t want to spend Mother’s Day that way?  (Here’s a hint: All of us.)  Your wife comes first. Tell Grandma you’ll come for brunch on Saturday (and bring flowers when you show up), but keep Sunday for your wife/partner and her alone.

4. Macaroni Art Wins. Sometimes you get lucky and the kids’ school takes care of the handcrafted Mother’s Day art. But if they didn’t, then it falls to you. Get some construction paper, macaroni shells, glitter glue and crayons and let the kids go to town. It’ll keep the kids entertained, and Mom will cherish it forever. OK, even if she doesn’t, you’ll get major cred for having thought of it in the first place.

5. The Gesture Of Love And Thanks. If you have all of the above in place, Mom probably won’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t give her anything, but you’re going for WINNING here. A card that tells her that you do notice and appreciate what she does for the kids – in whatever love language you speak – and a joyful bouquet of flowers, or a bottle of her favourite wine, or something else you know she’ll love and that is a special treat (ie. not a drill. Or a vacuum. Seriously, dude?!) will remind her that you do, indeed, rock as a husband. THIS WORKS WELL FOR YOU.

6. When In Doubt, Or If You Screwed Up All Of The Above: Expensive Jewelry. Cause while we don’t particularly *want* to be bought, we’ll be OK with it if that’s all you’ve got.

If you stick to our tips, you will be certain to avoid the fate of getting new socks and the cold shoulder this coming Father’s day. And won’t that be worth it?

About Shannon

Shannon is a transplanted Nova Scotian who has not lost the ability to dismember a lobster with her bare hands. She worked for years in high tech before becoming a full time mom, which now makes her a complete expert on everything parental (SNORT.) You can find more Shannon info at zchamu.com.

Comments

  1. Jessica says:

    I would just add one thing – clean the house. Or get someone else to do it… just so long as it gets done, and doesn’t require me to do it.

    Happy mother’s day, fellow moms :)
    Jessica´s last [type] ..Get Your Own Milk! Oh No- Wait- Dont

  2. Lauren says:

    Love the list!
    Lauren´s last [type] ..All I want this Mothers Day

Trackbacks

  1. What I did when I wasn’t here again | zchamu dot com says:

    [...] While this is too late for you to use this year, you should really bookmark it for next year: The Guide To Mother’s Day For Bad Dads Everywhere. [...]