“I’m thinking about buying an electric breast pump this time around since I had some trouble breastfeeding my first kid. It’s okay to buy a used one, isn’t it?”
“Omg, no. I totally breastfed all five of my kids for three years each and I never, ever used a pump.”
“Well, you see, I just had trouble getting my milk to come in after my c-section and then I’ll have to return to work eventually, so I just thought …”
“I birthed all five of my kids at home with no drugs and was tandem nursing before the placenta was delivered.”
“Well, I would never have a home birth because I would never risk my baby’s life like that. But that’s just me.”
“If you really want breastfeeding to succeed you need constant skin-to-skin contact for a solid month, nursing on demand, co-sleeping, a family bed and no independent or career-oriented goals. I’m only a better mother than you because LOOK AT ALL MY KIDS.”
“But I have a fulfilling career AND my daughter sleeps through the night in her own bed and pees and poos on a schedule and does the dishes and folds all her laundry. BITCH.”
Sound familiar? Because I think I had this exact conversation, like, three times in the past month. You know, pretty much. Giving parenting advice is hard, people. And when that advice even approaches the topic of breastfeeding it can be downright toxic.
After seriously jeopardizing a good friendship because I was a bratty, know-it-all, idiot last week, I gave some serious thought as to what I could have done different. Here’s what I came up with:
- Is this person even asking for advice? Seriously. Can’t we just complain about our kids without twenty-five million people chiming in with well-meaning advice about what worked for them? Sometimes we just want to commiserate with people who might understand. That’s all.
- What goal is this person trying to accomplish? Just because getting that effing baby out of your bed was priority number one for you, doesn’t make it so for everyone. It’s tempting to lump issues together based on our own experience, but it’s important to understand what specific obstacles the other parent is facing and make sure you’re on the same page.
- Are you judging? No, really, are you? Maybe you don’t think it’s judging per se when you point out that TV is really bad for kids under two and that your kids never, ever watched TV until they were school age, but guess what? It is. Show me one parent who has no idea that TV is not the best babysitter. They turn it on because, for whatever reason, they just need a damn break. Double check your biases.
- Do you even know what you’re talking about? Sometimes we really do know our stuff. Like, if you’re a practicing lactation consultant or a La Leche League leader you probably do have some valuable insight into breastfeeding. But most of us have some experience raising our own one, two, three, or even seven or eight kids. That’s hardly any kids in the grand scheme of things. We’re not experts.
And while I think it would behoove us all to try to be less sensitive, if someone does feel hurt, offended or judged by your “helpful advice,” then ur doing it wrong.
What do you guys think? I’d love to hear more pointers on how to be a bad mom, but a good friend. God knows I need them.
photo source nerissa’s ring flickr
About Rebecca
Wow. YES. I completely agree. I’ve been on the I’m-a-jerk end (unintentionally, but still) and I’ve been on the you’re-a-jerk end of this conversation. And the breastfeeding thing? OH MY. Definitely a lot of controversy. What it all comes down to, I think, is respecting each other and each other’s different parenting techniques. While I can’t stand co-sleeping, it works for my friends, and that’s great! While I don’t like breastfeeding in public (when I do it), others doing it doesn’t bother me, unless it’s a STATEMENT and then there I go getting all judgy again.
To each their own. Or something.
Mrs. Wilson´s last [type] ..moments
I think that being kinder and less judge-y of other people would be great not only for them, but for helping us be kinder and less judge-y of ourselves too. And wouldn’t that be wonderful? Being easier on ourselves would help us be easier on everyone else… a cycle of non-viciousness. I’ve also been a jerk, and been on the receiving end of jerkiness – who hasn’t? Oddly enough, I’m pretty sure there’s not a single mother/parent/guardian out there who hasn’t sat down, at least once, with their head in their hands and thought that they were doing everything completely wrong.
Jessica´s last [type] ..The Birthday Party.
seriously Rebecca, its fking weird that your kids can fold their own laundry. I’m damned tired of hearing about it.
Is it redundant to say guys can be jerky? Probably. At any rate, when parenting comes up, I usually do the guy thing and try to fix the problem (i.e. give “advice”), but I tend to preface everything with a “this is what worked for us”. Parenting is more a war than a battle (sorry, guy analogy), and the more weapons we have, the better; so it is important that we all find a way to discuss these things without being hurtful or judgemental. But part of the joy of parenting is living on 6 hours of sleep in the past week, and sometimes the filters go off.
What’s interesting is the suggestion that you need to be a bad mom(parent) to be a good friend. I think the keys to both are listening, comforting, and pointing out (politely) when the child/friend is doing something that is hurtful. True friends will appreciate those things. Unless you ground them; they don’t appreciate that.
Moms are the WORST. And also the BEST. At least, the ones who are true friends. I don’t think the judgy comments from others will ever stop, sadly, but that’s why I just avoid those pot-stirrers.
(Also! Welcome!)
This is why I dropped out of mommy and baby class. Well written!
julia´s last [type] ..The Cheshire Cat of Khartoum
I would love to have this book to share with my doula ctnlies. I receive so many questions about BF’ing, and I think this would be of great benefit and could reach many women.
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