I have a confession. I eat out of the trashcan. But only the one in my kitchen. It’s not like I’m some gross person who eats out of other people’s trashcans. Now that would be disgusting. Before you get all Judgy McJudgerson on me, there’s a reasonably good explanation why I do this. My family [...]
Bad Mom Confession: If I Could Make Out With Me, I Totally Would
By on October 20, 2010 4 Comments
You know how it is that you age on the outside, but on the inside, you still feel like you’re 17? OK, maybe not 17 (Nobody wants to be 17 again. I mean, when you’re 17 every decision you make is based on whether or not you get to have sex at the end of [...]
Bad Mom Warning: Having Kids Could Be Hazardous To Your Health. And Your Sanity
By on October 14, 2010 5 Comments
Here’s a parenting tip: don’t have teenage daughters. If you can, avoid it at all costs. They suck and they will cause you to overuse alcohol. Seriously. Teenagers should come with warning labels from the Surgeon General that reads: WARNING, This teenager (posing as a human) may cause premature gray hair or hair loss, raging [...]
I Don’t Know About You, But I Think The Word “Hygienist” Is Weird. Also: “FLOSS”
By on September 29, 2010 5 Comments
What I’m about to tell you may shock and horrify you. I don’t floss. Like, ever. It doesn’t even cross my mind. Why? I don’t know… because I’m busy? Seriously, I’m not lying about this. I don’t floss. Oh, I brush. I brush like nobody’s business. Like three times a day. But flossing? Not so [...]
If You Need A Good Butt Kicking, Feel Free To Mail Yourself This Letter. I Did.
By on September 22, 2010 2 Comments
Dear Porkzilla, Something has got to give. Your overindulgence is becoming a problem for me and my jeans. I feel it’s necessary to address your chips and queso addiction head-on. First, just because there’s a perfectly good and gooey cinnamon roll left on the plate doesn’t mean you have to inhale it in one bite–-or [...]
An Open Letter To The People Who Are Trying To Kill Me
By on September 15, 2010 5 Comments
Dear ungrateful children who call me Mother, I know it seems like I’m here to serve your every whim, but let me be the first to set the record straight. I HAVE to take care of you. I don’t necessarily WANT to…all the time, or on weekends, or during prime time television. We all make [...]
Bad Mom Rant: No Is The New Yes
By on September 8, 2010 2 Comments
You’re probably going to find this hard to believe, but I have a hard time with the word “no.” Not only do I hate to hear the word no… “No, you can’t buy a Maserati. What are you, out of your mind?… No, I will not watch your children for 2 months while you travel [...]
If Tests In High School Were Like This, I Would Have Been Valedictorian
By on September 1, 2010 Leave a Comment
A few days ago a reader sent me a link and she was all, “this made me think of you.” And of course, it had to do with wine. So I clicked the link and this is what came up…
Bad Moms Dread THE TALK
By on August 17, 2010 4 Comments
My five year old son, Ethan: “Mama, I got a penis.” Me: “You do indeed.” Ethan: “You got a penis?” Me: “No, mommy’s a girl and girls generally don’t have penises. Except for if that girl is born a ‘girl’ physically, but feels like a boy inside–-then THAT girl might have a penis added to [...]
When You Find Out It’s Not Guacamole
By on July 28, 2010 14 Comments
As a mom to young children you get used to certain things. Unidentified goo under your fingernails, matted, unkempt hair, hairy armpits, legs and Oh My God Don’t Even Think That Your Bikini Area Will Be Properly Groomed. In fact, you’re never exactly sure when you last bathed. And we mostly accept these things as [...]
PSA Of The Day: You Should Always Practice “Safe Sex”
By on July 21, 2010 9 Comments
I was recently riding in the car with my friend when her husband called, and they began having what I call a “normal” conversation: “Hi, how’s your day? Yes, I turned off the sprinkler…” and so on and so on. All very normal. Then my friend openly blushed and then giggled and whispered into the [...]
Just Because You LOOK Smart Doesn’t Mean You ARE Smart: A Lesson In Poultry
By on July 7, 2010 4 Comments
Kids are dumb. And I can say this with great authority because I have four of them. So believe me when I tell you They’re Not That Smart. I guess that’s why they have parents. To undo the dumbness. It was only a few years ago that one of my daughters came to my bedroom [...]
The Ugly Truth In The Form Of A Four Year Old Meanie
By on June 30, 2010 4 Comments
Scene: Me, in my closet, completely naked. Ethan: “Mommy? Mommy? Where are you?” Me: (Wrestling an ill fitting towel. Do towels shrink? Please tell me they do) “In here!” Ethan: (Standing in front of me, watching as I throw the towel against the wall) “What’s wrong, Mommy?” Me: “That stupid towel is too small. It [...]
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