I haven’t had a lot of “free” time on the Internet for far too long, thanks to my job at ‘The Firm’, what with it’s long hours, daily commute, and decision to block/monitor the Internet. It’s totally their prerogative, and I didn’t abuse the Internet like others did, but I used to use my lunch hours to get some freelance stuff done, or reply to emails, or read/comment on posts. I have no desire for them to know how I spend my free time, so I’ve stayed offline until the evenings, which means that I’m trying to meet deadlines between putting my kids to bed and taking my husband to bed.

*Ahem*

When I do sit down to read, it seems that the same debates that were out there when I started blogging seven years ago are still going strong. I know that everyone’s trying to drive traffic and I know that these may be new topics for first-time moms, but all of the judgment being flung in the name of page views makes me sigh. And roll my eyes.

The working mom/SAHM/WAHM debate. Dudes. Parenting is THE HARDEST JOB ON THE PLANET. Your work situation is just a peripheral issue. I have been all of the above and you know what? You throw little beings into your life who rely on you to KEEP THEM ALIVE and we’re all hanging on for dear life.

The “picky eaters” vs. those who are smug about how there kids eat ALL THE THINGS. My kids fall in the picky side of the spectrum, but get all of the food groups during the day. I get them to try the less “mainstream” dishes that I make, but I don’t push it. I was picky until I was in my twenties but the fact that I’m sitting here typing this at the ripe old age of 37 is a testament to the fact that, 1) I DIDN’T DIE, and 2) PREFERENCES CHANGE. (Also! 2b) My oldest (age 9) tries new stuff all of the time, and likes it. There is hope!)

Breast vs. Bottle. SO MUCH RAGE from either side. Full disclosure: I was strictly formula fed and I have no allergies or any other possible side effects from formula. Full disclosure, part two: I was the smug mother-to-be during my first pregnancy; my kids would be strictly breastfed and never have formula. My first child was great breast-feeder, but at about six weeks old I was planning for a hair appointment and he WOULD NOT take a bottle. We tried about ten different bottle nipples until he would take one. My personal belied that the spiel of “nipple confusion” is BS, unless you’re referring to my first-born. With babies number two and three, Daddy took one feeding in the night to give me a longer stretch of sleep. My kids had formula for their supplemental feeding and, hey. They’re perfectly FINE.)

Co-sleeping vs. babies sleeping in their own bed. People shout statistics from either side. Side one: Co-sleeping is better! Side two: Sleeping on their own is better! Me: DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. When my babies were itty-bitty newborns, they would spend the first few weeks in a bassinet in our room. Or sleeping on my or my husband’s chest. Then they went to their own room, right next to ours. My firstborn was a great back sleeper; the other two got to about eight weeks old and would wake up out of a dead sleep and WAIL if I put them on their backs. So I (gasp!) let them sleep on their tummies. Many of my friends did the same. It’s like a secret club. *whisper* My baby sleeps on her stomach.

(Related: When our kids are sick/have bad dreams/etc. we will let them sleep with us. And will wedge toes in my ribs and smack me in the face ten times and keep inching over so that I am somehow “sleeping” in a space five inches wide, while holding onto the edge for dear life so that I don’t fall to the floor. Kudos to those of you who co-sleep every night. It’s not for me.)

Are you entrenched in the Mommy Wars debate? Or do you shrug it off? Do you feel like judging me for my choices? You wouldn’t be the first.

It seems that moms — especially those with depression – just can’t win. According to a recently released study, those sleep issues that my child had — natch, HAS — exhibited since birth are probably (wait for it..) my fault.

“Researchers have now found that mothers who are depressed may cause sleep problems in their babies or make them worse, rather than the other way round.”

So instead of the baby being the cause of sleep deprivation in parents, these researchers have concluded that the mom who displays depression may be the one stealing all that precious, precious slumber from the family. Awesome: depression just loves to have some guilt heaped on it, it intensifies the flavour I hear.

And while I haven’t read the actual study there appears to be a leap in logic that I don’t quite get: how does a population of 45 Caucasian American moms – with only 14 identified as depressed - stand up to the age old #zombiemoms phenomena?

How claims can be made with any confidence when employing such a small test group and observation period (1 week. ONE WEEK) is beyond me. But what do I know? I’m just a long-time sleep-deprived parent who also dedicated the majority of her undergrad to analysing research like this for fun and good grades. And sport.

The fact that the results also relied on the mom keeping a written diary of their observations on sleep deprivation also makes me raise an eyebrow at these results. If you’d asked me to write down my feelings while dealing with a screaming newborn at 3 am, my diary would have read like the book ‘Go the F**k to Sleep‘ but with more tenderness. And swearing.

Maybe depressed moms do like to cuddle more or take more gratuitous hugs and snuggles during the night for some much needed emotional support like the researchers claim, but I’m not entirely convinced that snatching little bits of love and comfort qualify as sleep disruptions. Who here hasn’t watched their child sleep and reached out to touch a soft cheek, or kiss that dewy forehead, or just nuzzle up while their sometime hellion looks like an angel? But next time, remember: Shame on you for doing it, especially if you are depressed. You’re stealing from that elusive sandman! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

Commencing another guilt trip in t-minus 10.

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img The Graphics Fairy LLC

Oh shit! They found us!

Never fear, my friends: There’s always a fantastic and rich selection of bad parents being called out on the internet.  Let’s get to it, shall we?

There was lots of great news this week about how everything that goes wrong with your child during their entire lives stems directly from what you eat when they’re in utero. Not one but two studies made the news this week, telling us that if we’re overweight during pregnancy then Everything’s All Our Fault, from autism to increased risks of diabetes in our kids. Now, I’m not saying that good nutrition and good overall maternal health are not super important. Of course they are. But chripes, can we tone down the histrionics a bit? Maybe, I dunno, think about addressing societal problems that lead to poor nutrition and obesity instead of telling mothers how much we suck for the rest of our kids’ lives? Yeah, I know. Me and my stupid logic.

You know those days when you feel like spray painting a big sign on the side of your car that says MOM’S TAXI? You wouldn’t be exaggerating. Turns out parents spend 50 hours a MONTH schlepping our darling little ingrates around. If I could find my calculator, I’d work out what that comes to at the local taxi rate, but it’s buried under a pile of toys and I frankly can’t be bothered, so.

This isn’t really about bad parents, but it’s about bad car manufacturers who seem completely oblivious to the needs of parents who have to put safety seats in their cars. For all those of you (meaning: every single one of you) who have fought with a goddamn Britax for an hour to get the thing in what seems like properly but you’re still wondering if it’s actually in the right way in the end and wondering if you’re taking your child’s life in to your hands every time you drive the car, this one’s for you: Car seats are hard to install because car manufacturers don’t give a rat’s ass about making it any easier. Given that us ladies control 85% of household spending, perhaps we could put a little pressure on them to start giving a crap?

By the way, if you’re ever caught on a sinking ship, don’t expect any men to let you go first. Turns out that twice as many men survive aquatic disasters as women. Use those sharp elbows to your advantage on the way to the lifeboats, ladies.

And how about this editorial judging Mayim Bialik for judging other moms? The irony. IT BURNS. In case you haven’t seen it, Bialik wrote a book on attachment parenting. In the book, she talks about her chosen parenting philosophy and why she believes in it, just in case any other parents are struggling and want to see what worked for some other people. Apparently, Bialik choosing to voice her opinion is wrong, because it makes other people who choose not to do what she does feel bad. You know what’s funny? I bet when other people talk about why they choose to parent the way they do, it doesn’t make Bialik feel bad at all. I wonder why that is? Maybe because she doesn’t give a shit about what you think? Yes, her parenting is different than yours. Yes, she wrote a book about it. If  you don’t agree with what she says? Then don’t read it. But whining about how Blossom “made you feel bad” doesn’t give you any parenting cred. It just makes you a whiner.

But you know what, gang? It’s not all bad. Turns out, having children may just make you live longer. And that’s a good thing, right?

Who's the fairest? Who cares?

Hi Samantha. Come sit. Have a cuppa. You’ve had a hell of a 24 hours, and I’m sure it hasn’t been fun. Facing the vast angry internet hordes of crazy people, well, it’s tough, and I feel for you. Now, if I were the advice giving type, I’d maybe say that it wasn’t the best idea to write an article about how you have no friends because you’re just so beautiful that it makes everyone jealous of you. But you know, that horse has pretty much left the barn, hasn’t it? So here we are. And I’m going to do something that friends do for each other: Tell them a little bit of kind truth.

Here’s the thing, Samantha. I read your article yesterday, and when I read it, I knew you were in for it. Not because you aren’t pretty: you are pretty. Not because you aren’t a good writer: you are a good writer. The reason I knew you were in for it was that it’s really, unbelievably, blindingly obvious that you’ve completely missed the point. And there’s nothing the internet likes better than alerting people to that. Loudly. Repeatedly. And rudely.

It’s nice to think you’re pretty. It’s nice to think you have admirers. Of course it is. People, women in particular, like to feel pretty, just like a four year old in a new dress and ponytails feels pretty. It’s fun. It’s nice when people randomly send you drinks or give you compliments. But sweetie, you’ve let it go to your head. Your “pretty” is all you can see. And now you’re blaming your lack of significant friendships on the fact that you’re just too pretty for everyone else.  And honey, I just have to say, if I had a friend who constantly talked about how her good looks were getting in the way of her friendships, we wouldn’t be friends for very long either.

You say you’re “not smug”.  Um, really?  Because, here’s the thing, sweetie: If you write an entire column about your own beauty, that’s pretty much the definition of”smug”. And you say you’re “no flirt”, but well, if a man pays attention to you, are you thinking in the back of your mind “who could help the poor lad for flirting with me?”  Because that way lies madness. And then you flirt back. And then it gets ugly.

Honey, you’re making a lot of assumptions. Your friend gets angry because her husband flirts with you, and you assume it’s because you’re too pretty to resist. Or maybe, it’s because he is a notorious flirt and it’s an ongoing issue with them. Here’s another one: your boss is awful to you, and you assume it’s because she’s jealous of you. Or maybe, it’s because her marriage is breaking down and she finds it hard to be nice to anyone right now. The list goes on and on, but the point here is that when people have issues, their issues are about themselves. Not you.

I have friends who could very easily be supermodels. And I’ll admit that sometimes I’m intimidated by seeing someone so beautiful that it takes my breath away. But then we start to talk, and then we get to each other’s hearts, and then we’re friends. Their looks are completely irrelevant; it’s their heart that matters.  The only time someone’s looks get in the way of making friends is if they put it in the way. Vanity or self-obsession can get in the way of getting to someone’s heart, and can keep you from making those friendships in the first place. It’s not about how pretty you are. It’s about how kind you are.  So ask yourself: Are they putting your looks in the way, or are you?

I’m not going to kick you or call you names. But what I am going to tell you, sweetie, is that you need a big dose of reality. You’re pretty. But it’s not the most interesting thing about you, nor is it the most important. If you want a friend, be a friend. If you think your looks are getting in the way of a friendship, then you need to be the first person to ignore them.

Come visit. We’ll sit, and we’ll talk, and I promise not to even think about your looks at all. I hope we can become friends. But if we don’t, it will be because something in our hearts doesn’t match up. Not because of your face. Or even because of mine.

_________________________________

Postscript: Someone just sent me a link to an article you wrote last year, wherein you state “If I had a choice of how to spend my ideal lunch hour, it’s a no-brainer. Each and every time I’d choose to flirt over lunch with a male superior rather than engage in mindless gossip with the girls over a Pret sandwich,” and that you “Put friendships on the backburner while in pursuit of the man or woman with the bigger, better job prospects.” Or in other words, you freely admit that you flirt, play up your looks and ignore friendships to get ahead.

And don’t I feel silly for feeling sorry for you.

Celebrities who are online and of the parenting variety have a special place in my Bad Mom heart because reading their posts, watching their videos, and sharing their tweets has created a feeling where celebrity parents appear to be on a level playing field with parents like me.

Because we all know that kids don’t care if you’re famous, rich, or living in Reseda. THEY are what’s important and they don’t give a fist full of fruit roll-ups how many Emmys are on your mantelpiece when there are butts to be wiped and grilled cheese sandwiches to be made!

The following celebrity parenting story has been making the rounds and as you know, we always encourage ‘no judging’ attitude here at the club so I’d prefer to think of this as a mommy quirk. We all have them. Why deny them?

Though I must admit this one is quirkier than most: Alicia Silverstone has made a video that demonstrates how she feeds her child ABC food without those pesky cutlery devices, instead using her mouth.

Look Ma! No hands!

That’s right, she shot a video of feeding her child ‘Already Been Chewed’ food directly into her adorable child, Bear’s mouth from her mouth. I saw a demonstration of this method once on the Discovery Channel during BIRDS! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! week.

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Because you know if you take your child’s nutritional intake cues from a bird, I’m going to ask if you think worms are better served fried or sashimi-style. Plus we all know the thing the latest generation of kids all need to know that chewing your own food is for chumps.

Sorry. That judgement just snuck right out.

(*takes off judging hat*)

Now one of my favorite celebrity mom’s to follow on Twitter and Google+ (don’t judge me, Google+ has it’s moments though regarding purpose, not so sure) is Jeri Ryan (BORG! 7 of 9! Love her! I’m a Trekie. Remember: no judging!). Not only is she a totally cool mom who brims with authentic optimism and sharing that embiggens caring, she also shares awesome arts and crafts projects:

It’s a pretty awesome Easter craft for those looking to take it up a notch and teach the kids some science: check out the Crystal Egg Geodes. Thanks for sharing Jeri (and you really should follow Jeri on Twitter if you like surrounding yourself with positive and genuine people because you know what? That stuff is contagious.)

And this last celeb parenting story is totally gratuitous because I had this picture which proves my 6 degree to Kevin Bacon:

If my hair could talk, it would say 'OH THE HUMIDITY'

Which leads to the following news: Tori Spelling is pregnant again! That’s a picture of the two of us taken last August when she was pregnant with her daughter Hattie, born in November.

This past weekend Tori announced she is pregnant with baby number 4 and according to this tabloid, she may be due in December.

I’ll wait for you to do the math.

I know!

Anyway. Congratulations to Tori and her growing family and also kudos on not using a tazer or cattle prod on Dean when he made loving eyes when mere weeks post-partum.

BTW: Please share any of your favorite celeb parents because I’m always looking for new folks to follow and stalk.

We at the Bad Moms Club like to remind you all that you are not alone. There’s plenty of bad every day out there, to reassure you that you, too, are not alone in being judged!  So plunk the kids in front of the TV with some gummy bears and revel in some of the great bad we’ve found today…

From the Daily Mail in the “Moms Always Do It Wrong” category: Make sure you don’t delay having a baby, because if you get too old you’ll be such a control freak you’ll won’t be able to cope!  Seriously, it’s best if you just start squeezing out kids without getting a job or a career or seeing the world, because then you won’t know what you’re missing out on, and isn’t that better for everyone?  Sheesh. While it’s true that a transition from working life to mommyhood can be super hard, blaming the Mother for struggling with it because She Did Her Life Rong is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. How about blaming parenthood for being, I don’t know, hard? Or how about maybe politely pointing out to society that telling mothers we’re doing everything wrong in the first place probably isn’t helping?  There’s a good place to start.

Next, it appears that Jack Layton’s 82 year old mother still knows a thing or two about telling young political imps where it’s really at. Check out her Mama Knows Best prod to the NDP political structure about who is best to take her son’s place as Leader of the Opposition in time for this weekend’s leadership convention. Vote with Mama. Or you’re grounded.

Oh, look, Reese Witherspoon is pregnant!

Finally, I don’t know if you knew this? But parenting  has become more judgmental and competitive than the roller derby. Never forget that A Mother’s Place Is in The Wrong, like they tell us in the New Zealand herald.

Did you know May is Pregnancy Awareness Month? It’s true, here is the press release to prove it.

May is a busy month, Pregnancy has to compete for awareness with National Pet Month and National Masturbation Month.  Did you know that each and every month of the year has multiple themes attached to it? Check out the Wikipedia list. It’s hard to keep up with all the marketers, do-gooders and calendar-makers who want to raise our monthly awareness of pancakes, Geeks and low thyroid (all three of which I have a personal acquaintance with).

But Pregnancy Awareness Month? Who is not aware of pregnancy? Is it some kind of disease that we need to know more about because it is hidden in the shadows? Pregnant women are certainly aware of it (except those on the “I didn’t know I was pregnant” show, but my guess is they didn’t receive the press release). Every time a pregnant woman walks by me and I get that little lump of envy in my throat, I’m aware of it.  The retailers and marketers are aware. In fact according to the New York Times story, Target may be aware of your pregnancy before you even tell anyone — including your parents.

I’m sure the planners of PAM (yes, really) have the best intentions in mind when they came up with the idea. Their goals of nurture, educate, exercise and nutrition are certainly lofty. Their corporate sponsors are real, and the event sounds kind of fun.  But do we need to be more aware of pregnancy?

There are definitely women who need better access to information about pregnancy and how to stay healthy. But that isn’t the discussion in the media (or in American politics), the discussion tends to be about the more consumer or celebrity-driven aspects of pregnancy.

There are so many websites, magazines, blogs devoted to publicizing pregnancy and celebrity bump watch these days, that I actually feel like I want to be less aware of it. I don’t really want to know about all the things I could have done to make my fetuses healthier, smarter and better looking. I don’t want to know about celebs and their pregnancy diets or wardrobe, I don’t care about their weight gain. I have pregnancy awareness overload, in fact.

And now that Snooki is reportedly pregnant — I think we will all be sick of any talk of pregnancy very, very soon.

What about you? Do you think pregnancy needs more awareness?

The blogosphere has its knickers in a knot over this, the Atlanta, GA restaurant that has asked that people take their screaming kids outside to calm them down.

Um.

Am I the only one that isn’t bothered by this?

Seriously. This makes total sense to me. In fact, it’s what I do anyway.

If I’m at a restaurant and my kid starts freaking out, and that freakout can’t be contained at the table level, then I walk out with her. For a lot of reasons. To take her away from whatever it is that’s making her freak out. To get her attention focused on me. And, amazingly, to make sure that her craziness doesn’t bother anyone else.

Shocking, I know, that a parent could possibly have some sense of responsibility to those around her. Except it’s NOT shocking. Most parents I know would do the same thing. So I guess I am surprised that this restaurant feels the need to state it right there in their menu; “Please take your screaming whirling dervishes away from the glassware”. Because I do it anyway. It’s responsible, and kind to others, and good for your child, and what people just… do.

Don’t you?

I recently watched an episode of Parenthood, wherein Haddie Braverman suspects that her cousin Amber might be off having fun with her cute, young, politician boss, and goes and tells her own mother, who immediately jumps up and drives half the night to break up the pair of consenting adults before anything, I don’t know, consensual, can happen. She then drags her niece outta there, presumably to the apartment that Amber lives in and pays for on her own, because she’s an adult.

SO much about the way that whole scene played out drove me crazy. For one, Amber, for all of her previous questionable decision making, is an adult, and should therefore be exempt from being dragged out of a hotel room like a drunk 14 year old by her aunt. For another thing, what 17 year-old in the world – Haddie – finds out that her older cousin is going away for the weekend with their cute young boss, and runs to TELL HER MOM ABOUT IT? Especially when that somebody – Haddie – spent half of the previous season lying about being with her older, formerly badass boyfriend.

Nobody likes a tattle-tale, right? Isn’t that what we are supposed to teach our kids? I try to be proactive about it, telling my children, when they come to me with the minor transgressions of others, Worry about your own body.

What I mean by that is, I don’t particularly care that your sister took all the clothes out of her bottom drawer and flung them around the room, because right now that is keeping her busy, allowing me to finish what I’m doing.

And I certainly don’t want them to grow up to spoil each other’s adult lives – Haddie – by telling on their adult cousins when they go away on an otherwise lame business weekend with their cute boss. Worry about your own body, Haddie!

But – there’s a lot of in between here. For instance, in the future,  I do want my 12 year-old daughter to tell on her 14 year-old sister when her 14 year-old sister is doing the dumb sh*t that 14 year-olds will do. And I do want my 10 year-old daughter to tell on her 8 year-old sister if her 8 year-old sister is doing the dumb sh*t that 8 year-olds will do. See what I’m doing here?  I need them to learn to assess a situation and learn how to respond appropriately. Sometimes full disclosure on behalf of the sibling is the right response.

Yes, I’m totally picking and choosing when I want my kids to spill it to me. Petty offenses (she’s flinging clothes), personal business (she’s picking her nose) and normal rites-of-passage (she skipped a class), no. I don’t want my kids to tell on each other. More serious behaviour (she’s stealing clothes), personal harm (she’s smoking) or chronic flaying of the rules (she never goes to class), yes. Tell me. I will even reward you.

But most importantly, and I say this as both a younger and an older sister, I want my girls to stick together. I want them to look out for each other, to trust each other, to count on each other, even if it means that I don’t always get the intel I would want.

Because in the end, I will always haul a 14 year-old’s ass out of a sketchy situation, but by time they’re 19 – HADDIE! – I hope I’ve taught them to trust themselves and each other, make good decisions and worry about their own damn body.

This is, indeed, the Bad Moms Club.

Where every mother branded as a “Bad” mother can find solace and understanding. Because most of the time, when someone is branded as a “bad” mother, it’s just about judgment and finger pointing and people who refuse to take individual lives and choices in to perspective. Most of us “bad” moms aren’t really bad, is our point. Our point is that it takes all kinds of parents to make a world, and let’s all try to get through this together, shall we?

But sometimes, it’s really hard to give somebody the benefit of the doubt.

Like this mom, who has her two daughters compete against each other in pageants and allows them to torment each other about it to the point of tears.

I’m trying here. I’m really trying. But pageant moms, I gotta say, have used up a lot of their goodwill right off the bat, because teaching your child that it’s really important to wear a lot of make-up and smile pretty so that other people can judge your looks and give you prizes based on how pretty you are is massively fucked up in the first place. But OK, I can maybe believe that there are still people who are raising children in a healthy way even if they participate in pageants.

Maybe.

But this one just.. there’s nothing healthy here. These kids are in endless pageants, getting endless judgment on their looks, and it doesn’t even stop at home. They’re in a nonstop, 24/7 competition cycle with each other. And mom thinks it’s just fine because it’ll “toughen them up”.

When I parent, I try to think of the kind of person I’m raising. What she’ll look like in 20 years, inside and out. And I can’t help but think that these two kids are going to believe that looks get you everywhere, and that primping is more important than kindness, and that it doesn’t matter if you hurt the ones you love as long as you win.

I’m sure these children are loved. I’m sure they’re not abused. But I’m also sure that Mom has her priorities all messed up, and these kids are going to grow up with their priorities all messed up too, and that’s sad. And I wish I could sit her down and say, maybe you should…. step away for a bit, and teach your children that not everyone wants to be a model or an actress, and their brains and their souls count for things too and that it’s time to perhaps indulge those things a little more. And to teach them that maybe it’s a good idea to be kinder to your sister, instead of tormenting her or making her cry.

But somehow, I doubt she’d listen.