Take a look at this photo and spare a thought for Jessica Simpson, if you will.

I remember being nine months pregnant and feeling like my body had been taken over by not one but three vast, quivering aliens. I remember being front-heavy and unable to stand up without mechanical assistance. I remember having to buy all new bras – twice – to manage these unbelievable breasts that had basically grown out of nowhere.

And then, I saw this photo of Jessica Simpson. And while Jessica has always been beautifully curvy, those curves have taken on an entirely new level as she approaches childbirth. I hope it’s not too insulting to point out that right now, she defines the phrase “heavily pregnant”.

And I say, GOOD FOR HER. Good for her for showing what a REAL pregnant woman looks like. Good for her for working those enormous boobs. Good for her for that vast, round belly. Good on her for being REAL, and not hiding out because she’s not a stick insect with a bruise on her hip. Every single real woman who has ever had a baby – or at least, the non-bitchy ones – can look at her right now and go, oh god, I remember that. I remember 9 months pregnant. I remember how the last month of pregnancy makes the prospect of dealing with a screaming infant actually seem appealing.

And then we think of her poor feet and send her suggestions for orthotic flip-flops, because they’re probably the only thing she can get around your swollen toes right now.  Except she’s not wearing flip flops, she’s wearing these.

OK, she might be pregnant, but she’s still Hollywood.

But never mind. She’s paid to wear shoes like that. So let’s spare a thought for the rest of her, the gloriously full, swollen, stretched, puffy, full of life her. Because she’s beautiful, and she’s rounded, and because that’s what a real pregnant lady looks like.

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I once gave an interview to a writerly friend about sex during pregnancy. I totally forgot about it until the wife of my husband’s work colleague came up to me and told me that she knew all about my sex life, she had read about it while at the doctor’s office.

Yowza.

But I think she was a little jealous. Because sex during pregnancy, well it kinda rocks. One of my usually reticent friends told me that her second trimester was the only time she has understood what it feels like to be a man.  I’m sorry if you didn’t feel that way.

thanks to Pregnantchicken.com

Obviously, Amy at PregnantChicken agrees that pregnant women’s sexual side deserves to be recognized because she came up with a series of “Hey, girl…” type posters that she entitled “Porn for Pregnant Women”. Truth is you don’t need to be pregnant to feel a little warm when checking them out. Who knew discussing car safety features or shades of green could be so hot?

thanks to pregnantchicken.com

Go to Pregnantchicken to see all the posters. You don’t have to be pregnant to enjoy (or a chicken).

What about you? Pregnancy: hot or not?

Because is there really such a thing as a ‘bad’ school portrait? OK, there is such a thing as a ‘bad’ school portrait and that fact grows exponentially by the child’s age but regardless of the actual results of this annual rite of student passage, parents in general will buy the image to mark that year in history.

Even if they kid has a snotty nose, or a tangled collar with a soup stain down the front of the shirt (why do they do photo sessions after lunch?), or hair like Medusa (that’s my kid!), we love the snapshot of our progeny in their institutionalized state.

And what about those school photographers? I often felt that these folks were in photographer purgatory of some sort. Dashed dreams of high fashion or National Geographic assignments dead in the dustbin of life. That’s what I was thinking when I watched this short called ‘The Angry School Photographer’. His mission is to break every child’s smile so it matches his attitude but this time he has met his match:

School Portrait (2011) from Michael Berliner on Vimeo.

School Portrait (2011) from Michael Berliner on Vimeo.

Enjoy. Happy Monday and please share your worst school portrait story below.

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Brings A Whole New Dimension To Peek-a-Boo

How many times have you been trolling the racks at Baby Gap and said under your breath “Screw all these cute little pink dresses, I wish Lady Gaga would design baby clothing. She’d create the kind of baby clothing my daughter needs. Gaga would make baby clothing that screams ‘Outta my way establishment, I WAS BORN THIS WAY!’“?

Every single day, I know. Well if only the following was true.

“Lady Gaga brings her celebrated gift of fashion to the littlest of monsters, Gaga GooGoo Lady Gaga BabyWear.”

Actually I’m glad this isn’t true because if I had a little monster to put in these creations this Bad Mom right here? This Bad Mom would be the sucker who would dress her daughter in a salami hat. Okay, I’d probably say no to the meat dress but that’s only because our apartment fridge is already packed as it is, adding wardrobe storage would be a little too insane.

I’d have no excuse NOT to buy this one. I mean, come on now, it’s KERMIT!

We ARE All Born Superstars

If only this was true…

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OK, so I know this isn’t really Werner Herzog reading Madeline, the children’s classic from my own childhood, but I think Herzog would readily agree to narrating the tale of an young girls living at a Parisian boarding school because of the series’ classic closing line: ‘That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.’ That line is so Herzog.

Also he peppers his readings with gems like this: “The smallest girl was Madeline looking every bit Napoleon, the little dictator. She is introduced in her underwear as a nod to French sensibilities. She is not afraid of mousies.” She WAS a little dictator!

Bad Moms love fake Herzog:

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Curious George

Where’s Waldo

Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel

Enjoy ya!

I’m tempted to say that this kid is the cutest kid ever caught on video, but given that I have a special bias about this kid and also this kid (groovin’ to Katy Perry, y’all), I’m going to have to resist that temptation.

Still. This little guy’s a contender, for sure.

Imagine, if you will, discussing matters of philosophy, whether God loves an object because it is holy or whether the object is holy because God loves it. And then, imagine your cat videobombing you.

“What’s this, Dad? Dad, what’s this? What’s in there? Huh? Dad? Mrow?

The question really is, is the cat holy? Or is the cat only holy because his dad loves him?

Do you live in the GTA? Looking for some mom-centric entertainment this week that also involves giving back to a great cause? Check out this guest post from Erin Keaney, Resident Director of Bum Wiping and Snack Packing on Mother’s Day + PUSH…ONE MOTHER OF A SHOW

I don’t have a lot time for things since I’ve had kids. For example, going to movies, seeing theatre, dinner dates, showering, sleeping, finishing sentences. I do however, get to hangout with moms at my daughter’s public school before and after the bell rings. Those moments fill me with joy, laughter and sheer will power that last the entire day. If I didn’t have those women, I’d spend more time trying to make online friends just to have adult conversations. My mom posse has seen our live comedy show PUSH…ONE MOTHER OF A SHOW at least twice and they LOVE it! They go for dinner before hand, then come to see the show and laugh their tired butts off, then we all go out for drinks. So come with your mom posse, get ready to laugh and maybe meet us after the show for drinks. Who knows, we might write a sketch based on your experience being a mom….or we maybe we have already!

PUSH…ONE MOTHER OF A SHOW runs May 4th to 8th at Tarragon Theatre Extra Space (30 Bridgman Rd at Bathurst + Dupont). It’s a LIVE comedy show written and starring myself, Erin Keaney, Precious Chong and twins, Fiona and Sarah Carver. We’re all moms and we take an honest and sometimes absurd look at motherhood. We share a laugh about raising kids, multitasking, fatigue, changing libidos, memory loss, incontinence, muffin tops and more.  And, most importantly, it’s not all boobs and vaginas…okay, maybe just a little. If you have ever given birth, known anyone who has given birth, or been born yourself, this show is for you. Tickets are $25 and available in person, by phone 416-531-1827 or online at tarragontheatre.com. And, we’re having a raffle with a portion of the proceeds going to Nellie’s Women’s Shelter. The prizes are geared towards making a mom’s life easier. Here’s a look at the prizes…a housecleaning, wash and fold pick-up and drop-off laundry, stripper pole classes, massages, waxing, facial and so much more.

Bring the girls, bring your mom, bring your husband. Feel good about the fact we’re all just juggling – we all drop the ball sometimes – and take heart in the fact that we’re  all doing the best we can.

Check out a clip of our show at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMTLjqOuV9I

No I’m not talking about that tiger baby because I’m sure all it would say was ‘mew’ and my heart would melt. The tiger baby I’m talking about is the offspring of the Tiger Mom, aka Amy Chua who wrote the article that started the whole Tiger Mom dilemma. The real baby of that Tiger Mom isn’t a baby anymore, she’s 18 and guess what? Like a zillion other teens these days, Tiger Mom’s cub has a blog. And like many of those zillion kids, she talks about her mom. How awesome is that? Makes a parent wonder why we ever teach those youngens to write, eh?

Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld is now 18 years old and she confirms on her blog ‘new tiger in town‘ that her mother Amy Chua did raise her just like she defended in her WSJ article. But did this upbringing cause Sophia to go into full rebellion mode once she hit the age of majority? Based on what I read on her blog, Sophia appears to be pretty well adjusted and not in any immediate need of therapy. In fact I didn’t detect one smudge of F-U mom-itude. Sophia seems pretty darn normal albeit more eloquent than some teen blogs I have had the privilege of reading. Her post about her dad really made smile as I recognized that special father-daughter relationship that is so familiar to me. She really loves her dad and she also loves that he totally respected — but didn’t necessarily agree with yet never undermined — her mother’s parenting techniques.

So if you were wondering if there were any ill effects on her from mom calling her ‘garbage’ and depriving her of ‘normal’ childhood experiences, it looks like she is turning out just fine and not seething with any resentment. Personally I think if anything, her resilience is due to her personality type more than anything because I think that Tiger Mom’s rearing techniques would not suit every child. Sophia seems to be very goal-oriented and focused which I’m sure is partially due to her ballroom-breaking upbringing with a huge dash of strong character traits. Mind you Sophia did admit that her mother had her withdraw her application to the University of Virginia when selecting a university — but to be fair her mother left Harvard and Yale on the list. If my mom was in the same position, I can guarantee you that she would have done the exact same thing but there wasn’t a snowballs chance in hell of me getting into either of those places. I hope my mother is grateful that I spared her from having to enforce such discipline. I did it because I care Mom *chest thump*.

Welcome to the blogging world Tiger Cub, thanks for letting us know your point of view. Just don’t teach my daughter to start a blog m’kay? I don’t need any more reasons for therapy right now and a blog about princesses and Justin Beiber with sprinklings of Hannah Montana denial and gummy bear deprivation isn’t what the blogosphere needs right now.

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Although I had always thought of myself as a bit of a book purist, I woke up one morning last December quite positive that I wanted an e-reader.  My husband, thrilled at the prospect of not having to think up a birthday present for me on his own, obliged, and a few weeks later I unwrapped my shiny new gadget.

And I love it as much as I knew I would, but not for the obvious reasons. Most people say they love their e-readers because they are lighter than hardcovers, or because acquiring their desired reading material becomes almost instantaneous. I will agree with all of these things, but there are so many other reasons to love an e-reader:

1) You can look smart while you read smut.

No cover = no title page = ability to read Breaking Dawn without anybody knowing. For all that the people next to you on the subway know, you could be reading A Tale of Two Cities, which, thanks to an alphabetical filing system, is what pops up to the top when you first turn on your machine.  Heh heh.

2) You can indulge your online shopping needs without cluttering up your house.

I do just sometimes get the urge to click, ‘Buy Now,’ and it’s much, much easier to rationalize the purchase of a $7.99 ebook than yet another (really cute) necklace from Etsy. Bonus – instant gratification! No need to wait for Mr. Postman to arrive. (Except with your credit card bill. Try not to forget that part.)

3) There is always room on my virtual bookshelf.

In contrast to my physical bookshelf, which is 8 ft tall, 5 feet wide and threatens to collapse under the weight of the books, stuffed 3 deep on every shelf. And no, there is no thinning it out. Are you suggesting I get rid of my grandfather’s 1930s printings of all the best childhood classics? Or my first edition hardcover copies of everything Michael Ondaatje has written in the last 20 years? No, I didn’t think you were.

4) Built-in dictionary.

I have a pretty decent vocabulary, but even I get stumped once in a while. Luckily, I can simply highlight the word I’m not familiar with, instantly find out its definition, and then spend the rest of the day using the word, sounding all thinky like.

5) If the book I’m reading sucks, I can scroll to another one.

Listen, sometimes books suck. They can’t all be Breaking Dawn you know. But at least if the book I’m reading sucks on my e-reader, chances are, there is something else available for me to read that might not suck as bad. At the very least, one of my e-readers (Yes, I now have two. Yes, I have a problem.) came pre-loaded with 100 classics, so it’s a good excuse to catch up on all the books I  never bothered to read in high school.

Do you have an e-reader? Want one? Love the idea? Loathe the idea? Let me know!

Photo: Kobo (jivedanson/Flickr)