The following post is dedicated to all the parents who have ever felt guilty about a parenting decision that other parents may have judged or frowned upon. For all of us who have been in that position, deep down you knew that decision was the right one and completely necessary in conquering the quest to ‘just get things done without anyone losing a limb or sanity‘ but it’s still difficult feeling the eyes of Judgy McJudgerson on your neck.

Maybe you said ‘yes‘ to the relentless 7 year old who would not get dressed unless she could play one more round of Angry Birds and you just wanted to get ready for work without yelling at anyone before noon. Blackmail, shmakmail.

Or maybe you allowed the begging 4 year old to wear that Batman costume for one more day — despite the fear of a call from the public health department — all in the name of ‘getting out the door‘ because fabric is fabric and it all achieves body part coverage. That’s the important thing, right? Whatever it takes to get everyone on with their day.

Or maybe you let little Logan eat breakfast along side his beloved pet at the dining table because he promised to finish all his cereal and bananas without any whining…

OH MY HOLY GOOD GRAVY what the heck is that reptile-slash-horror-movie-prop creature and am I safe in assuming that it prefers KiX over Kids?!?! Someone say ‘yes‘ and confirm we are not watching whatever that is have it’s pre-breakfast bowl of cereal of KiX before having a bowl of KID.

Whatever it takes folks, whatever it takes.

Have you heard about our Dare to Draw challenge which kicks off today? Bad Moms ask you to join your kids in this awesome campaign to raise funds to help support kids, parents and grandparents who are working to turn the tide of AIDS in Africa — all you need is a creative child who loves to draw. Join The Bad Moms Club Dare Team and let’s show our kids we can all make a difference.

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Because is there really such a thing as a ‘bad’ school portrait? OK, there is such a thing as a ‘bad’ school portrait and that fact grows exponentially by the child’s age but regardless of the actual results of this annual rite of student passage, parents in general will buy the image to mark that year in history.

Even if they kid has a snotty nose, or a tangled collar with a soup stain down the front of the shirt (why do they do photo sessions after lunch?), or hair like Medusa (that’s my kid!), we love the snapshot of our progeny in their institutionalized state.

And what about those school photographers? I often felt that these folks were in photographer purgatory of some sort. Dashed dreams of high fashion or National Geographic assignments dead in the dustbin of life. That’s what I was thinking when I watched this short called ‘The Angry School Photographer’. His mission is to break every child’s smile so it matches his attitude but this time he has met his match:

School Portrait (2011) from Michael Berliner on Vimeo.

School Portrait (2011) from Michael Berliner on Vimeo.

Enjoy. Happy Monday and please share your worst school portrait story below.

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I have a broken wrist and limited typing ability. I will tell THAT entire story some other time. Until then, I will bring you: The Top 5 Christmas Carols For Bad Moms. Because I can do it with minimal typing. Phoning it in FTW!

5.  Queen – Thank God It’s Christmas.  “Oh my friends it’s been a long hard year.” The refrains of epic relief that another insane year is finally over is common to all bad moms, isn’t it?

4. Boney M/Jose Feliciano: Feliz Navidad. Nobody can understand a goddamn word, but we all sing it anyway.

3. The Ramones. “Merry Christmas, I don’t want to fight tonight” (As we assemble this stupid toy for Santa)
Merry Christmas, I don’t want to fight tonight” (That has ten thousand goddamn pieces and instructions in Cantonese and German BUT I DO NOT SPEAK THOSE LANGUAGES)
Merry Christmas, I don’t want to fight tonight with you” (Even though you said you’d pick up batteries and you FUCKING FORGOT YOU TWIT)

Ahhh.

2. Fairytale of New York. “You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, happy Christmas you arse I pray God it’s our last.” Amen.

1.  Frankie Goes To Hollywood – The Power Of Love. Not always labeled as a Christmas song, but you remember being in the high school gym during the Christmas prom and waiting for the cute boy to ask you to dance but then he asked that icky Elizabeth to dance instead even though you know he was going to ask you but she came over first and oh never mind. It’s a good song.

This Bad Mom is loving this Star Wars Suess mashup because my little Star Wars fan — who incidentally loves to play Darth Vader’s theme whenever she feels like life is not treating her the way it should be and she needs that extra injection of little evil emperor in her life — has been requesting this non-stop since we discovered it this weekend.

Meet the Sith of Whoville, a great twist on the classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas:

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Yes I know Hallowe’en is sooo last week and that you are already planning the holiday shopping but this video was too good to not share. If I had told my daughter that I ate all her Hallowe’en candy she would have never displayed the restraint of these brothers. These boys were delivered the news by mom and they really showed a maturity that even I lack.

Best part? When CJ tells his mom ‘you’re going to get belly ache.’

‘YOU SNEAKY MOM!’

Apparently this was inspired by Jimmy Kimmel who solicited videos from parents last week. Well done Mom, hats off to you for raising such reasonable young men. If this was me, I’d still be cleaning up the the aftermath of my 6yo’s wrath. Hell hath no fury like a 6 year old who’s lost all her Hallowe’en candy.

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In this very special episode of Dora the Explorer, Dora is all grown up, Boots has seen better days, and Swiper is armed and dangerous. Oh wait, so it Dora.

This is totally not safe for the kids to watch but it sure is entertaining for the adults who have endured la totura especial also known as Dora, Boots, and the insufferable Backpack. At least Backpack is packing useful items this time (see Jack Daniels and a shotgun).

Rated R for bloodshed, violence, and fulfilling parental fantasies involving revenge on children’s programming.

via Neatorama

Brings A Whole New Dimension To Peek-a-Boo

How many times have you been trolling the racks at Baby Gap and said under your breath “Screw all these cute little pink dresses, I wish Lady Gaga would design baby clothing. She’d create the kind of baby clothing my daughter needs. Gaga would make baby clothing that screams ‘Outta my way establishment, I WAS BORN THIS WAY!’“?

Every single day, I know. Well if only the following was true.

“Lady Gaga brings her celebrated gift of fashion to the littlest of monsters, Gaga GooGoo Lady Gaga BabyWear.”

Actually I’m glad this isn’t true because if I had a little monster to put in these creations this Bad Mom right here? This Bad Mom would be the sucker who would dress her daughter in a salami hat. Okay, I’d probably say no to the meat dress but that’s only because our apartment fridge is already packed as it is, adding wardrobe storage would be a little too insane.

I’d have no excuse NOT to buy this one. I mean, come on now, it’s KERMIT!

We ARE All Born Superstars

If only this was true…

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OK, so I know this isn’t really Werner Herzog reading Madeline, the children’s classic from my own childhood, but I think Herzog would readily agree to narrating the tale of an young girls living at a Parisian boarding school because of the series’ classic closing line: ‘That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.’ That line is so Herzog.

Also he peppers his readings with gems like this: “The smallest girl was Madeline looking every bit Napoleon, the little dictator. She is introduced in her underwear as a nod to French sensibilities. She is not afraid of mousies.” She WAS a little dictator!

Bad Moms love fake Herzog:

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Curious George

Where’s Waldo

Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel

Enjoy ya!

Sesame Street. I was raised on it, I will always love it, and as far as I’m concerned, it can do no wrong.

What? Come on now, well made children’s programming never hurt anyone and we all know that moderation and moderation are the keys, yo.

Anyway. I’m all grown up now so I prefer my Sesame Street with an adult soundtrack. Like this, please kick back to Sesame’s Sure Shot:

Mildly NSFW unless your boss is a Beastie Boys fan and then you can probably crank it up.

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This morning I woke up to my 5 year old screaming at me about how much she does not want to go to school. Not because anything bad is going on, or that she hates her teacher, or cannot stand her friends. She was screaming at me that she doesn’t want to go to school because she’d rather be asleep.

My girl does not like mornings. I have no idea where she gets that from. Okay, it’s me.

Anyway. I don’t like mornings much myself but I don’t scream at anybody about it. Well unless you check my twitter stream on any given any weekday morning. BUT that aside, I don’t CRY about it. I just pull myself out of bed after slapping snooze 48 times and get on with it.

Maybe I should try crying. Or maybe I should invest in a mask that truly reveals my feelings about mornings so I could join my 5yo in a true temper tantrum. Check out these FREAKY baby masks and if you watch the video, prepare to be even more freaked out. Whoever made these things has ruined baby faces for me forever and caused me to abuse the word ‘freak’.

Or watch the video of these Hypermasks and prepare to be more than slightly creeped out:

I think I might need to get one of these despite the fact that they FREAK ME OUT. Join me?

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