OK folks, don’t panic, but can someone check whether a) Hell has frozen over (I sense it’s either at the bottom of that sink hole in Guatamala or somewhere near BP headquarters) or b) I am, in fact, a monkey’s uncle because I am – wait for it, wait for it – agreeing with parenting advice from Kate Gosselin.

You heard me.

That’s right: Kate Gosselin is doling out advice that is actually sort of reasonable although technically it’s not really parenting advice so much as it is marriage advice but she’s sharing it with her kids, so.

So what is Kate saying? She’s telling her four daughters about getting married: ‘be really, really, really sure. And what’s the rush to get married young?… That’ll be my advice to my daughters, I’m already telling them — 30 and beyond,‘

I know that this doesn’t really apply to everyone, there are lots of marriages between young folks that survive the tests of the times (and those can be doozies of tests) but regardless of the couple’s age, the words ‘what’s the rush?’ are words well heeded. I’ve witnessed too many marriages end — and they were almost all marriages that were rushed into at the height of the honeymoon phase of the dating relationship. If they had just taken the time to get to know each other — something that takes time and experience — then maybe their relationship would have had a better chance.

So, yeah: the words ‘what’s the rush?‘ when it comes to committing to another person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (or in the cases of some religions, eternity, which is a long, long time) are words to really live by. I was raised with that ‘don’t get married until your 30s‘ advice and while I didn’t think my parents were right in my 20s, I realize now that they were really on to something. Setting an age of 30 might be a raising the bar a bit high, but it’s not really the number that is the important part of the advice so much as the ‘what’s the rush‘ part that one should take away.

I feel like washing my brain with soap for agreeing with Kate, but still. At least it’s a hell of lot better than the ideas that Jon Gosselin has in his head about dating baby-haters. These people make my head hurt.

That said, what are your thoughts on giving advice to your children about marriage? Is under-ten too soon to have those chats? Or is it just part of talking about divorce with kids? And: do you agree with Kate? Do you think 30 is too late? I wonder why she didn’t give the same words to her sons? Please share.

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Raise your hand if you read the classic V.C. Andrews tale of the Dollanganger family, Flowers in the Attic. OK, now put your hands down y’all — I knew you were my kind of people. That’s some sticky, stupid brain candy turned into epic literature. Epic AWESOME literature.

Anyway. One thing I learned from Flowers in the Attic was: don’t try to raise your kids around a baby hater (the ‘don’t diddle your brother’ isn’t really the take away lesson from the series, that should be a given.  I hope.) The ‘avoid the baby hater’ is a simple lesson that will serve everyone well. Especially the children.

Because regardless of your needs, the little DNA copies you’ve made of yourself depend on you to provide security and this includes secure relationships where, you know, no one really hates them. There’s enough time for that in the school yard.

So why am I blathering about not hooking up with people who hate kids if you have children? It seems that one of my least favorite famous dads, Mr. Ed Hardy himself and the father of 8 (EIGHT! CHILDREN!), Jon Gosselin is dating a woman who hates kids.

Um. Does she know who he is? Turns out that the new girlfriend, Miss Ellen Ross, does know about his dependants but she apparently craves fame more than anything else and that, it seems, is outweighing her hatred of ankle-biters. For now.

Wow.

Just where does Jon meet these women? Wait. I don’t want to know. And as much as I hate to do it, I just have to put on my judgmental crown and say that I think it’s a really, really bad idea to date someone who doesn’t like kids when you have any number of offspring, let alone a whole baseball team’s worth. So, yes, obviously I’m being totally Mrs. Judgey-McJudgerson but in all seriousness, I’m just thinking of the kids. Someone obviously has to

That’s a hint, Jon. Don’t let your life turn into Jon Plus Eight Flowers In The Attic.

Am I right? Does dating child-haters when you have kids necessarily equal BAD? Does dating women who tolerate Ed Hardy shirts necessarily equal bad? Is Jon just too easy to hate on? Why does he keep providing us with material? BAD MOMS WANNA KNOW.

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Nothing like a little Stealers Wheel to start the day, eh? Well, that’s what the judge in the Gosselin custody hearing thinks Jon and Kate need to keep the plus eight happy.

He has ordered the infamous parents to do a parenting class called ‘Children in the Middle‘. Not together, though, because obviously the judge was thinking of the others who might be taking the same course and wanted to spare them any Gosselin sparring.

A course in parenting might be a novel concept for the Gosselin parents: you know, thinking about their  children and how to do best by them instead of,  I don’t know, their next reality television appearance or Ed Hardy sale or something. I know: shame on me for judging, but seriously, it’s really hard to not judge when they just. keep. showing. up. everywhere.

Apparently this course is mandatory for all custody cases that are tried in this particular court, which sounds like a very sensible thing. Sometimes parents need to be knocked upside the head to remember who it is that is most likely to be wounded in the custody battles. They aren’t called ‘battles’ for nothing.

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When I read that Kate Gosselin’s new TLC show focuses on Kate parenting other people’s children the screaming in my head wouldn’t stop. (The only other voice I can hear in my head is that of Hannibal Lector asking me ‘Well, Katie – have the lambs, I mean children, stopped screaming?’ and the answer is ‘Noooooooo.’)

Since Jon Gosselin made damn sure that his children were not to be exploited on television by his ex-wife after he left the scene (literally) — and you know I’m hitting rock bottom when I agree with Jon Gosselin, though I sense that request had more to do with him NOT being part of any show — Kate had to find another way to stay relevant in the Reality Television Landscape. And since parenting is her supposed talent (really?) TLC has fashioned a show about Kate dispensing advice and lending a hand at raising OPK. And trust me, OPK is nothing like OPP, we are talking about innocent kids here.

There goes the screaming in my head again. Somebody please make it stop.

To quote the obviously completely detached creators at TLC: ‘each family will have some unique circumstance that is a story in itself. As Kate gets to know them she’ll roll up her sleeves and see what she can do to help.’

Sob.

So I need to know, would you let Kate Gosselin into your home to help raise your precious offspring? You know, since she spends so much time with her own eight kids she must know something. Like how to find your best camera angle while appearing to be attentive to each child or how to not look like you’re begging for someone to offer free plastic surgery while watching you cry over nature’s allotment post-partum or how to hire a team of nannies. Those things just aren’t innate you know.

OMG. Can someone make the screaming stop, please? Obviously I’m biased so please weigh in…

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I wonder if, somewhere on Monday night, Jon Gosselin had a few good chuckles while watching his ex-wife Kate do the Viennese Robot on Dancing With The Stars? That is, if Jon watched the show at all, which if he did he was probably wearing Ed Hardy at the time, which means that he has no right to laugh at anybody. I wonder if he had the kids with him on Monday and if they watched it together? The answer is just a Google away I’m sure… which is pretty creepy.

ANYWAY.

I, for one, cannot dance to save my life, so shame on me for getting all up in Kate Gosselin’s hair about her stiffness and obvious discomfort on the dance floor. And by ‘obvious’ I mean the only people that smile like that are either in extreme discomfort or about to make you collateral damage.

OH. And speaking of her hair? Hey Kate, Mary Elizabeth Flanagan from the eighth grade called. She wants her hair style back.

Kate danced better than I would if in the same situation but, as it happens, I’m not in that situation, nor would I ever be because it bears repeating: I cannot dance. Not even if I had someone like Tony to throw me around like he was ‘pushing a shopping cart around the floor.’ Based on that quote alone, I think I’m really going to like the judge Bruno.

But like the last judge pointed out, Kate is neither an actor nor an athlete so this is extra challenging for her. Though based on my experience raising one child, parenting is like being on an obstacle course most days, so parenting eight should put her in peak condition, no? I kid. If that was me, I wouldn’t be able to stay awake through one rehearsal session.

That said, I think there is only one way to sum up Kate Gosselin’s debut dance on Dancing With The Stars and that would be: Don’t quit your day job, Kate. What ever that might be.

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Ah, poor Sarah Palin. Upstaged by her not-quite son-in-law, who – this week in Playboy – showed everybody what going rogue really means:

And with that, he officially out-bads Jon and Michael, who are boring us to tears with their Real Douchebags Don't Read Contracts schtick.

YAWN.

This week in bad, the dads were out in full force:

1. Jon Gosselin is giving Levi Johnston parenting advice. Which, yeah. No comment. 
2. Let's just hope that Levi isn't schooling Jon on how to do full-frontal. 
3. Although if the National Enquirer is to be believed, he doesn't need it.
4. Michael Lohan is all fail. But you knew that.
5. Which, really, makes him the perfect buddy for Jon. 

Can I ask? Whatever happened to sweet-natured dads in ugly sweaters? Why must we endure the onslaught of penis-slinging, Ed Hardy-wearing, paparazzi-courting douche-paters like Messrs. Gosselin, Johnston and Lohan? WHERE ARE YOU BILL COSBY?